Living beneath such a vast sky, I sometimes wonder if anything will ever be enough.
What’s the best way of finding happiness?
I’ve read that by being present, not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow, but by just living in the current moment, you can find more satisfaction in your life. I don’t know. What if the answers don’t lie in the present?
Yet it seems like a waste of time to think obsessively about what might have been and what has been, without having any power to change it. I can visit my memories searching for answers, and still come out with nothing. Trying to calm myself, I might think “Whatever will be, will be. Whatever won’t, well, it won’t be”.
It doesn’t always help.
As a matter of fact, it can make me feel more powerless than ever. I hate feeling weak, like I don’t have any control. I think about all of the people I’ve met, and if they ever think about me. If I ever cross their minds. Are memories important to them? When they find themselves floating like a spectre in the mire of their memories, how do they feel? Does it make them unhappy?
I don’t know. I think it might be useful to revisit the past sometimes. Even if it hurts, or annoys you. That’s what I’ve started thinking. Maybe time travel isn’t such a bad thing. In science fiction and fantasy stories with plots revolving around time travel, they always warn about the dangers of going back in time. It could end up with the destruction of the very universe itself. Maybe this is just a reflection of the fear we have of what has been. Of our memories, of our powerlessness.
Time is like a sea.
Sometimes we float away on the tides, and leave others behind. We can only view them, bobbing up and down in the distance, across the cold, grey water. And we can’t fight the tide. It’s a waste of energy. The sea will always win. So mostly, we just let it subdue us. We drift away.
Time warps you.
It batters you with the wind and the sun, and its sea salty waves. You’re not the same from one day to the next. What if we can’t recognise each other, or we don’t like what we see? Sometimes, I’m so tightly locked within myself that I don’t want to turn the key and see what lies beyond. Why fight the sea of time in search for what has been? It’s easier, and more pleasant to stay adrift in the present. You’re guaranteed to be content, and free of worries.
I want to toss these considerations aside. I want to be braver and stronger. I want to turn the key and unlock time’s door. And when it’s been opened, I’ll see that the waves didn’t destroy me and that the universe remains the same mysterious stretch of black, starlit beauty it always has been.